sometimes i wish i was able to text my cat and tell him i miss him and that i'm thinking about him
I really think my ability to vom without making noise mmight be my most useful talent
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
he put a lighter in my cleavage and said "you're like another pocket!"
No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Just copped mushrooms from a dude in a business suit. U comin or what?
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm mailing you cans of corn and that's final.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
having flashbacks of licking salt of your dick for my shot of tequila
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
PLEASE HELP ME THE AMERICANS ARE YELLING ABOUT TURKEY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
