i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
When you and that girl went into the bedroom, you yelled "FOR NARNIA!"
I woke up to my one night stand and he said, "now that's the one to beat"
I've woke up with the same hoodie on backwards, twice this week. I think that's a record
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I'm pretty sure male strippers are the last things I need in my life right now.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
I was just at the gas station and happened to look left and see a girl blowing some guy. How was your night?
Dude you where on that lil kids bike at 2 am ridin down the turning lane wearing only socks and a helmet singing born to be wild, no you weren't that fucked up
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
On this version of “Dean Can’t Be a Normal Fucking Human,” I told a guy I’d shove a tv up his ass. Recreationally.
Plasma, LED or OLED?
I just want to find somebody intelligent enough to trick my parents into thinking she's not a trophy wife. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
