I'll buy you a vibrator, we can get married for tax benefits, and live happily ever after with lots of doggggs.
My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
you were the first one he came out to and you announced it as the finale while singing karaoke at the bar
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Walked in on my boss having phone sex at work... and somehow this didnt bother nor embaress him
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?
As soon as they started using chocolate milk as a chaser for captain Morgan, I thought l it'd be best to leave.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Her boyfriend offered to buy me a vibrator. I'm not sure how to feel about that.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
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