I met the nicest Tranny last night. He/She loves Cheetos.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
quitting drinking is the number 5 new years resolution but number 4 is enjoying life more which one do you think im going to pick
i mean, some people chug beer and some people chug hard liquor. some people have good ideas and some people have bad ideas. it's all about perspective.
great! i almost saw a gas station fight, and i believe i became the first person to successfully pee and puke in a bathtub simultaneously
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
Went to bed with a bowl of spaghetti O's on my chest, I make my own breakfast in bed. New level of laziness
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
I just realized, you're dating a guy named Jameson. That is another level of whiskey dick.
Randomize
