just survived the first fart of the relationship.
You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
just saw someone puke all over a michigan fan. he didn't even flinch.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
he told her to call him "Frog Legs" and she still fucked him and not you.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
I just soaked a sugar cookie in nail polish remover to clean off my nails because I was too lazy to walk to the bathroom to get a cotton ball. Is this what rock bottom feels like?
I accidentally flashed three cops last night. Stone cold sober.
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I tried to prevent a bar fight. By convincing a guy whacked out on Molly to slap the ass of everyone who was arguing and shout "WOO" each time. I'm proud, surprised, and intrigued that it calmed everyone down so quickly...
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
Randomize
