I wanted to tell him he wasn't actually in me, but my god, awkward?
just used a caramelizing gun to spark a bowl, i don't think today could get much better than this.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?
Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
It was like I was playing the clarinet on his penis. And I just kept saying I'm sorry.
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
Going through Bojangles drive thru chanting "KFC" hammered at 8:00 was the highlight.
The girl in the stall next to me is puking her brains out, I'd say she had just a good a weekend as us
I gave her some alkaseltzer ad she looked at me lke I was god
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
Way to fucking accidentally drunk dial me while you're talking to and buying other girls drinks. Don't call me.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
hey sweets how's ur crotch today?
Randomize
