I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I hope the prosecutor is a dude cause my lawyer is hot.
At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?
at that time a 4 pound meatball stuffed with pizza rolls seemed more important than bailing you out of jail.... sorry.
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.
So I fucked her. If you're keeping score at home, it's all tied up with horrible sex with someone I like and great sex with someone I hate both with 1.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter
re read what you just said
I won't be able to get a boner for a month
Challenge accepted.
I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.
Idk man, most things I eat are even better than I expected. Like when I drunkenly put mac and cheese on a slice of cheese pizza or when I soberly put mac and cheese into a Taco Bell burrito.
I need a priest, doctor, and therapist after this weekend.
You came walking in the backyard at 10am, in cowboy boots, a new shirt, and had no money,....we lost you for 15 hours....i think you just need a camera crew, or an assistant. IMPRESSED!
At least you didn’t announce to an entire bar you’ve eaten pussy, and then knocked your beer over.
The closest thing I've had to an orgasm lately is sneezing nonstop from fucking allergies.
Randomize
