You are possibly the most enthusiastic, likable bad influence I've ever met.
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.
my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.
I had to go to the bank to confirm purchases made on 10/31/09 because they were signed as Lady Gaga
She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I was wondering if I fell or perhaps got hit by a truck, then I remembered, it's cause I did a splits contest at the bar
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
i would like you to please flash back to us blacked out in the bathroom when you told me i needed to take one for the team and have a threesome with you and jon to help your relationship. you then told me you had no issue putting ghb in my drink to make it happen.
I stole us four large rolls of toilet paper from the hotel carts. I feel like the breadwinner in this relationship
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
I just ordered a "football meatlong" from subway
YOU ATE THE FUCKING GOLDFISH!?
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