Im starting to think including a smiley face in texts may or may not be a code for 'lets have sex'
Im going to research this theory. . .
Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!
I don't wanna die...
I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families
That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.
Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
this hospital has no fireball
I told him to come over when I realized that I did have time for a quick booty call before church.
So apparently it wasn't anything really bad, it's hemorrhoids. Which is the medical word for butthurt. I actually have ass ointment.
I woke up in an ill fitting childs tutu this morning and the shower curtain is knocked down. Wtf happened?
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
Woke up in the hospital naked with my id's taped to my chest. Also apparently puked on two guys, two girls and an escalade (at the same time). Good night.
Randomize
