i should go to a nude beach and wear just a condom, then ill have tan lines on my dick
the only time it's appropriate to sing In The Air Tonight by Phils Collins is while sake bombing at Cal Beach
um or while having sex on a train
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
I swear that when we jog in the morning I can hear it slap between his thighs
Totally forgot I asked the cop for a theoretical fist bump and he still let me drive away
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
my confident boosted when he told me that it was I who started making out with him. ME. NOT HIM.
I AM SHOCKED AND PROUD OF MYSELF
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
Visiting my great uncle went well. The highlight of the evening was when he said, "Oh my god. I'm 79 and I'm teaching 18 year old kids how to roll a joint."
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