so i woke up to her 8 year old asking for a bowl of cereal...
I sold my books for weed money!
Finals don't start for a week...
it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?
You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard
Because I'm a hot mess throwing up in the litter box
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
I gave him a BJ and he left. Coincidentally that's the name of my memoir.
I wish everyone could suck his dick. It was an honor.
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
I woke up and he already had a joint rolled waiting next to the bed. Love.
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
