The dr is doing well, he randomly asked if I was bi
I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
Tempting. But I already used the alcohol poisoning excuse at work this month. No way he would believe it a second time...
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.
You took it upon yourself to rid the world of them, and by that I mean you dressed up as Batman and started kicking them in the shins.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
Guess who just hooked up with a guy who was wearing a shirt from his mom's "dress up closet"?!
I went to Christian school in the 90s. I can finger blast anything, but dignity.
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
He actually said the words 'I miss you' followed by 'I wanna have sex with your face'. I'd say that's a win.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Randomize
