lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday
This might be the most awkward night of my life. And I had someone pee on me once.
Blow job bear ended up in my bed last night. She didn't live up to her costume.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
Why can't people give useful wedding gifts...like sex swings or Nutella?
In other news I may have fractured my masturbating arm
At least it wasn't your drinking arm
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I've just had two stress filled days in a row , I'm just going to shower and await your penis
😂😂😂 what are we doing to these poor guys?!
Maintaining the status quo.
It's time you knew: I have been dating your probation officer for 7 months. Pretty certain he's THE ONE. So, thanks for being a criminal.
Randomize
