If a woman tells you she has been pink socked...don't move forward with her.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
Oh jesus...leave it to you to hit on not one but two guys who can't fuck you till marriage.
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
This is the drunkest I've ever been at a chili's
I don't think I've ever met a guy with a bush bad enough that I would choose a cactus over it.
He finally delivered on the dick pic, and Jesus Christ, it was worth the wait.
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Before consuming her Waffle House she did a few deep breaths and cleared the table to "prepare herself for this"
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Randomize
