U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
I just had a full choir singing the phrase pudding cup in my head. Too. Stoned.
Well that's the first time I've woken up with wet jorts
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
We power houred with shots of red wine. Somehow we ended up with 7 bottles and lost Chris. Trying to find him this hungover is proving very unsuccessful.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
He wanted me to do the rubix cube. He thought it was hot.
Randomize
