i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.
The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.
new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.
She is singing the swedish chef song and throwing utensils. I love this place
Don't be alarmed at the kitchen mess. I had to shoot the fire extinguisher on the toaster oven, one quick blast. It was a matter of safe over sorry.
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
You can't spell "party" without "RA."
You know what else you can't spell it without? "Gonna get fired."
I woke up to some strange woman rubbing peanut butter on my thighs
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
I had to cum in my sink.
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