Scream out, "Tax-Free dick over here" in the bar. Ladies love tax free stuff
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
What can I say, your life is charmed. I'm on the couch trying to decide whether or not to puke again.
Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
I'm still pretty stoned. There are mini rice cakes in my robe pocket to snack on in the shower.
Just jerked off with bubble wrap. Not as awesome as it sounds.
You asked me if I was judging you for being drunk, and if I can hypnotize you make sober.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
And now let us go forth, and be garbage people in public.
Isn't that our default mode?
Im sorry you'll never get the feeling of closeness when you go to pee outside and you realize you're peeing right where someone else just peed
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
Why did my mother make you get naked?
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
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