i'm so hungover...i might vomit in a handbag instead of selling them
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...
I'm making presurgery martini's. You need to be here.
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.
If we both finish he brings me a beer and cookies, if only he finishes I get wine and cheesecake. I think I'm in love.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
This text constitutes a formal request for sexual congress under the terms of our Relationship Agreement.
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
There's nothing wrong with using cocaine to keep my heart rate up in my fitness class.
You started having a threesome right in front of me.
lololol that's what happened?
Stephanie looked me right in the eye while she was going down on you. It made me really uncomfortable.
...okay, you can't just say 'masturbating llama' and not explain yourself
Randomize
