His mom made me a necklace that i am supposed to wear to prom. She included a note with it, which had a star trek quote. What have I gotten myself into?
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I just found the gloves and lightbulb I stole. Did you pee on a ATM inside a bank?
Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
We need to make boob twerking a thing. I feel like that's why vine was invented
Would it be sad if I made a blanket fort to get drunk in till the power came back?
Apparently 24 hr fitness frowns upon the ingestion of psychedelics on its premises, don't see that in the sign up contract.
Even with help how did you paint a bullseye around your asshole?
All I want right now is a waffle and some fried chicken and a penis.
If I hear the phrase 'these unprecedented times' one more time I'm putting my foot up someone's ass.
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