This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes
YES. YOU ARE GOING TO HAVE SEX WITH ME WHILE I SING LES MIS.
No I just rolled on the floor giggling. I think that's the equivalent to a post sex victory dance.
Thank god I didn't get free from the hospital restraints. I wouldent have lasted long drunk, startled and in an ass-less gown In D.C.
I just spent 20 mins in the shower washing n rewashing my body to get rid of stripper. I even loofa'd my face.
I'm dressed as a caveman and drunk so that's not really an option
to drive Frat boys away, one just needs to cat-call at them. It makes their masculinity weaker, and yours stronger.
My husband has seen you naked more times this week than me. I don't consider it a bad thing since you keep bringing the booze to our house. And because my tits are bigger.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Jarrod's passed out on the chair with a cup of milk and I've been staring him down in an attempt to use telepathy to make him spill it. Attempts unsuccessful.
Randomize
