Crown is evil. It plays hide and seek with my morals
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
I promise a much better performance tomorrow than last night my penis has a bed time
I love you more than champagne and correct grammar
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Maybe I can find a straight girl rehab camp, like the opposite of those degaying camps, where they teach me how to love the ladies instead
Omg. I would pay ALL OF THE MONEY for that camp.
Final Summary: could he eat a lit sparkler? Probably. Could he do it while peeing off the roof? I'll tell you when you get to the ER.
In honor of Super Tuesday, we should have the sex tonight.
Who knew a blowjob could cause this kind of crazy
He wasn't prepared for it
Honestly, the only reason I've been productive today was because I ended up organizing my apartment while searching for my vibratory charger.
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
My dad told me that my grandparents are giving me $20,000 and my actual response was "do you know how many kittens I could buy with that?!?"
Randomize
