My feet smell like cheese. Makes me hungry.
I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.
Dude I gave him a bj because he was upset about the NFL draft, if that doesn't lock it down, i don't know what does
strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.
Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
for the record im never blowing a guy on the toilet again, that was sad and degrading
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Ohhh the usual. Laying in bed reflecting on my decisions
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
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