god i wish i could take a shit and a shower at the same time
my vagina is like the nba. its where amazing happens.
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
I wonder if Barack Obama has ever been this drunk.
Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.
There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...
This hangover is so bad, we are pregaming Chinese food with pizza.
Besides the fact that the only male who has shown an interest in me in the last 5 months has a strange and unfortunate resemblance to fucking Frodo, I've been good thanks
Blacking out is all I've done this year and we're only 3 days in. Checkmate bitch.
You were laying in a hotel bed drinking beer from a straw while you demanded everyone to kiss your foot tattoo.
I'm using the Malibu pitcher you stole from the bar to make pancakes this morning. It's actually working really well.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
Went on a blind date. Afterwards I ripped my pants off and said "it's game time". He was into it.
These girls next to us are doing shots called bath salts. Sadly this is the classiest bar I've been to since i moved to PA
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