When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I can't sleep so instead I'm thinking of all the things I would love to do to you right now
That's weird, I usually just count sheep
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
PS August 29 of last year was when you ran over my foot. Facebook just reminded me.
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Alright, text me when you get close. I've got a mustache and I'm ready to get my day drunk on.
You don't know commitment until you try and waterproof a non-waterproof vibrator
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I'm having an emotional breakdown watching baby sloths on YouTube you need to come save me from myself.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
dude, i just found out morgan freeman loves weed. all my moms arguments are now irrelevant
I woke up this morning hand cuffed to the bed with three bruised ribs and Amy written in lipstick on my chest... what happen lastnite??
Randomize
