So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
You better buy her a motherfucking bunnyrabit to make up for this. And me footsie pajamas for being a cockblock.
it is a dangerous dangerous place where morals and dignity go to die and all your fantasies about men become reality.
I'm going to start charging you rent if you keep leaving your random conquests on my living room couch the morning after
I've decided that buying my first unused mattress has been my first major step into real adulthood.
He almost got to me tonight but then I was like fuck it I'm going to dance with a teli-tubby on the bar so fuck you
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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