He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.
You know its been a rough night when you wake up and the first thing you remember is your mom going skinny dipping.
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
Hey is it bad when your boss leans over your desk and tells you "you smell like the Rainforest Cafe"??
We played shuffleboard at the bar last night...another sign we are getting tooooo old.
Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.
Everything gets a little fuzzy after the flats of jello shots, but I do have a vague recollection of being at the top of a large human pyramid
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.
I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
I just pulled a seven inch black hair out of my ass. Pretty sure that means we're dating now
I thought the first time I got peed on it would be by a baby...
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
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