Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.
If you could smell my eyes you'd understand the whole story
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.
Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass
He should have died. Natural selection.
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
Just got my stitches out.. Now I can give a proper hand job
dude, I convinced you I was your conscience for like 15 minutes last night. you weren't just "a little high"
I was just thrown into the pool and now I'm surrounded by men... You would think this is the dream but I'm just confused
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
Randomize
