Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
I am burnt. Have a black eye. Face dove into the grass and got pissed on. Time of my life. God Bless the USA.
he had the kids march single file in front of us on the way home so they didn't have to watch him pulling me passed out in their wagon...
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
Too much alcohol and too many lesbians. I can officially say I have regrets now. At least that's something.
im just going to make a prayer circle of top ramen packets and cheap beer
Don't trim your pubes if you've been drinking. I can't believe I have to tell you more than once.
I've got a bottle of water, a bag of salad greens, and a bottle of hot sauce. How stoned do you think I am?
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
i have to pee so bad and he is sleeping and idk where the bathroom or my clothes are!!!
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
Randomize
