dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
i've been fucking this guy since february and just found out he might be uncircumsized. currently google image searching to confirm.
I started sorting laundry at 6 am. He finally got the hint and left
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
Im at target. Idk why I'm buying condoms AND a tutu for my cat. No one who dresses their cat up has ever gotten laid.
I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.
I went limp when I heard her mom fart from her parents bedroom. It lasted longer than my hard on.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
I walked a mile in this weather wearing nothing but a toga. Zero fucks. Your move Mother Nature.
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
His Instagram is like a gay porn blog all of the sudden got conquered by the Mormon missionary that he is
Also I feel like death. But like. In a good way
... why is there baby oil , black socks and frozen hot dogs in the sink this morning ?
I'm like the total package- I don't want a relationship and I have daddy issues. What more could he want?
Apparently during my blackout I walked over to Troy, grabbed my crotch, and said “Eat Fresh” while his GF was with him. FML
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