mike has just informed me of all the things he would put in his pussy if he was a woman. this includes door stops, power drills & g.i. joes.
"and then my dad would be all like 'hey mike, where's the remote?'"
it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world
i told you not to try chat roulette
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
Just like to put it out there it's surprising how little reception a dog cage has
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
Halloween: the only night of the year wheee the more high I get, the more it compliments my makeup and outfit.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
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