I'm jealous of your bromance
you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
You take a step back sometimes and are like "when was the last time I was sober?" or "wow I need to stop putting everything in my vagina"
Is this an intervention?
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Babe, holding my hair while i blow you doesn't count as being romantic
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Randomize
