I just spilled my beer all over my laptop.. this is what i get for actually trying to do homework
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency
So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.
you're usually drunk when you offer. there's one time you called me, told me not to dye my hair red, and asked if i wanted to see your tits.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
One minute you were celebrating, the next you were bleeding all over your Nikes.
YOUR DICK HAS BEEN IN ME I DO NOT WANT TO BE SET UP TO MEET YOUR FRIENDS
Saying someone's good at giving head is like saying someone is good at pouring juice like there is that one girl who will spill it everywhere but for the most part it's not that hard to be good at
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I bought a mink out of the back of some guy's van on my walk home from the bar yesterday
Well, personally I like to keep my blackmail in well organised folders.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
