things it involved: vodka, boy parts, possible photos of me on a cell phone. things it did NOT involve last night: my bra, his pants, and sobriety.
who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?
I am stoned and watching Pocahontas. I am letting the kids eat whatever they want. I am the best babysitter in the whole wide world
We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?
he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
The light burnt out and he thinks the power is out in the whole house. He is cooking a hog dog over two candles. I'm gonna see if he'll make me one
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
if i bang your brother are we still cool?
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
Any idea why the fuck i would replace all the music on my ipod with the fucking Goosebumps theme song?!?
Apparently drunk you is really nostalgic?
You don't understand. My ass is the color of eggplant.
He put your tit in his mouth. Professionalism is out the window after that.
okay valid
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