I'm drinking in the hospital parking lot.
I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.
i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out
The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
there comes a time in a mans life when you ask yourself, will i fake love for blowjobs? and the answer is always yes
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Aw c'mon. You have to see if the spinning penis rumor is true.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Just read 119 best sex positions. I wanna try 107 of them. Can I put you down for 50?
I'm high and dancing to practical magic. Your needs for my penis can wait.
I've been there a week.. I'd rather all my coworkers not know that I'm already sleeping with my boss.
Having sex with him is like eating mayo. Don't think about it, just do it. It's worth it.
Randomize
