Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
OMG the post office opened my dildo! "we sincerely regret the damage to your package"
Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?
Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?
Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Did you hear about Miss Teen Delaware? From the snippet they played on the radio, I knew exactly what porn company it was from. Maybe I should cut back
Going to give your dick a friendship bracelet.
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Randomize
