i just took a sip of diet coke and i said " as soon as it hits my lips i wanna smoke a cig." then i thought of your dick.
we were so high we made up an elaborate backstory because we were paranoid about going into the wig shop w/o being serious wig shoppers
We got drunk before dinner. People at the other tables were praying for us.
So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?
you had an obligation.
I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
what do i owe you?
$237.46 to be exact.
if im having that much fun on the weekend i better start remembering it.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
I wish there were birth control emojis
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
You thought you were drunk? I woke up at 6 o'clock this morning with a cheeseburger in my left hand a drink in my right with my window half way down. it was raining.... fml
Sorry about waking up naked in your bed this morning.
if there is one thing you splurge on it better be nice condoms
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
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