Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first
You are the luckiest man alive
He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.
Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.
Transgendered man at work dawning a slutty batman costume. I hate Halloween
When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
No later than 4:00 ok - I'm tying my viagra high into a superbowl halftime showstopper. Ya, you might wanna look away for that
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Watching my ex make out with another girl is weird.
But she's wearing a jumpsuit so I feel better.
You can't just say you're dying of terminal cancer everytime they try to card you
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
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