i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
every time i send "do you want some cock" to her T9 manages to change it to "anal"...i think she's mad now
I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Honestly I'm so excited to go to bed I feel as if I don't deserve to be in my early twenties.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
40 year old guy made out with me last night while I had French fries in my mouth
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
We just had sex in the shed while having a conversation about cheeseburgers...so that's how my day is going
YOU ARE STRONGER THAN YOUR VAGINA
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
found my cat trying to steal a lighter to hide away for himself. cat what are you doing. don't pocket my lighter.
Why would I want a relationship when I’m the side dick for my boss and a few women from the gym
Randomize
