Tell your sister I'm no fool. Or at least romanticize the notion of the fool.
How much would it be to rent out Gus Johnson so he can announce our flip cup games?
So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.
You are forgiven. I sent you a picture of a pumpkin man as a gesture of reconciliation.
Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.
I saw a kid peeing outback so I yelled "you have a small pecker, but its ok cuz when life gives you lemons..." and proceeded to throw lemons at him
I need to get a job that holds me accountable for something. Otherwise I wake upon Monday wondering when the booze store opens and if I still have a boyfriend.
It wasn't a mystery that it was the pizza cooking in the oven when we stumbled out of the bedroom in a smoke filled apartment at 2am. We are dangerous drunks
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
He's slurring his text. I didn't think that was possible.
So, I actually said the words "but face tattoos are sexy"
First of all she starred talking about God which immediately killed my buzz
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
Why would you ask him if you could lick his chest?
He has a very lickable chest
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