I'm pants shitting drunk right now
can "i'm close!" be our safe word(s)?
oh geez, wrong person.
that's an acceptable place to lick
Apparently the guard had to repeat "you're too drunk to get in" three times before I understood. I guess he was right.
so we were having anal, both very very drunk when he started shouting his roomates name
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.
I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things
just walked across campus with a bottle of champagne in between my boobs. night two and the quest for classiness is already over
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
I am lonely and hungry. I need a girlfriend, but I'd settle for my mom.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
I'm sorry my shit is everywhere... I accidentally got drunk while packing
Randomize
