Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I don't know what happened last night but I woke up this morning with "wolf pack" tattooed on my knuckles.
i told them to call me paula dean as i was making all 10 for $10 boxes of pizza rolls in the microwave
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone
I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
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