i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
did i really try to jack off an athens police horse last night? please tell me youre kidding..
girls mom is dying from cancer and she msgs me for a booty call. I guess people cope with their situations differently.
Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
Tried to eat a sandwich this morning. Couldn't. My jaw is locked up. These marathon blow jobs are killing me
Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.
how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ
What's a good pandora station to masturbate to?
The bartender charged us for drinks. Life is different.
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I just had a 10 minute staring contest with my dog. Can you come over?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
Randomize
