So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis
Sounds like a really classy character....
He is classy. It was argyle.
have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?
why can't you just be normal
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
I'd like to apologize to your liver. It sees how much beer i drink and gets jealous of how awesome my liver is.
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??
We were driving to the party as he was giving me key bumps.. That's what I call team work
Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
We can put you in charge of something
I can be in charge of being more wasted than anyone there so everyone feels comfortable being ridiculous
There's weed in my toothpaste. Explain.
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
Dude. She was wearing nothing but Wonder Woman panties and a flag for a cape and sneaking around leaving PBR's by passed out people for the morning. She called herself the 'Merica Fairy.
Why haven't you proposed already?
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
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