Soooo billy mays was on coke. I'm about as shocked as I was when Clay Aiken came out
Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
He said something pertaining to Ragu and vodka I'm worried
Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?
You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
Also, can next Friday be Long Underwear Friday instead of Jockstrap Friday? Because I'm about to cough up a testicle.
Oh dear. Sending much love.
Just send a machete.
After dropping your phone on the ground you got down and sat with it, kissed it and apologized for being so mean
My dad just invited me to smoke a blunt with him. Parent-child bonding at its finest (and highest).
Randomize
