grinding to god bless the USA? really?
shut up
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.
I don't really know how to explain this place...it's like I feel like I need an std just to fit in
Regardless of the amount of alcohol you may consume tonight - DON'T take anybody home
his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
You are allergic to dogs. DO NOT kidnap something you are allergic to. No matter how fluffy.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I mean, if I asked you, would you cum on cotton candy for me?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Randomize
