All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
The online application for Mcdonald's said I could do incredible things there. Today I threw out shit filled underwear in the women's restroom and escorted a very drunk/high 42 year old man outside after he ordered a 5 dollar foot long and a bloody mary.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
You think he will forgive me for the paper being a week late if I bring him a beer?
...it's a 9am class...
Did I come home in a police car last night? id come downstairs to ask you but i dont think my legs work anymore
He makes balloon animals that get you high? Hell yeah invite him over!
Are you aware that you called your mom to say hi before you dragged the random guy into bed last night?
I wasn't going to drink tonight, but was reminded this is the anniversary of prohibition being repealed. If I don't, then I am against my profession of bartending and anti-American, right?
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
My favorite part was making you pull out your lucky steelers vibrator and show it to jerome bettis at the bar
The neighbor just poured gasoline on his 2 brush fires and proceeded to shoot Roman candles at them 🤔
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