Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
Just took 11th shot of tequila. I may puke in my bear head.
I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You can't tell me you've honestly NEVER considered smoking a Froot Loop
Hypothetically how does one go about throwing away a dildo?
For once I am not in the mood. My vagina is good with life at the moment.
The apocalypse has arrived.
I may or may not vaguely recall punching you in the dick but it was a misunderstanding and I forgive you can we have make up sex?
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
A guy caught me talking to a sock today in the Laundry room if it makes you feel any better
Sadly that does. Why...where you talking to a sock
Bc I didn't know him and I asked him where he came from and why he was hanging out with my thongs
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
Randomize
