I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
i wish starbucks made bloody marys
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
i just spent 10 minutes talking to the lady who works at taco bell about my romantic situation.
i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
He was late, on account of he accidentally went to the Al-Anon meeting across the hall, and it took him 30 minutes to realize he was in the wrong room.
Ok, now help me add to my topless picture collection, i'm going to make myself a calendar
"He didn't answer my snap so I know he's arrested"
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
Randomize
