the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex
Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
just woke up under a car ? That's odd
Holy fucking shit
WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT
After last night I think its official. Deep down, we like alcohol more than we like women.
Lost my anal v card with Peter Thiel's RNC speech on in the background. Unbelievably appropriate
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
I'm worried about us. We are almost 30 and we still drink jaeger bombs till we black out. Wait, no I'm not. I'm excited about us.
getting my period the day i moved was my bodies way of saying 'congratulations youre not leaving town with anybodies babies!'
Woke up went to work ate beef after three year hiatus shat my pants went to bed
I just remembered something from last night. check your closet.
Randomize
