wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth
I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.
I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.
I puked right in front of him after winning beer olympics and he still hooked up with me. My life is so easy.
So fucking hammered. Is this all spelled right? I'm holding it up to my eye. I am on a boulder. I feel like an owl
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
The international association of gay square dance clubs had a booth set up in the lobby of my hotel.
If my eyeballs could make a sound to describe how they feel they would just say uhhhhhhhhggggggghhhhhh.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
