In honor of tonight, my penis will make an appearance
By the way, shout wipes are a gift from god for people that throw up on themselves.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
I was lying there too hungover to move when my dog jumped onto my bed and set half a calzone on my pillow. Best. Dog. Ever.
Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.
I don't know what that means. But if you take off your pants, you'll probably get arrested.
I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.
Btw I'm already known as the drunk roommate. Don't know if that's a success or a failure seeing as it hasn't even been a week since I've been here
If I ever go to jail it will be because of you, I can feel it.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
Also, I don't know if it's the drugs I'm on or not, but I truly believe I was hypnotized last night listening to an audio book.
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
Some guy is here to get laser hair removal on his balls. I hate my job.
Randomize
