maybe you should take the dick out of your mouth before you start talking.
i did. i'm using it as a microphone.
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
Do they fuck in the end of "Lady and the Tramp" or am i just wasting my time
I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
Just had an epiphany about how to drink more effectively in the shower. While walking across campus carrying a Franzia bag like Santa
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
I should've left when he told me that he only smoked crack by accident once
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
He just canceled. I got an amazing new dress and now he’s decided he’s spending the weekend with his family
In other news, there’s some rando in an expensive hotel bar who is going to get very lucky tonight because I love the way this dress makes my tits look. Want to help me find him?
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