You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
I want to apologize in advance in the event I put my boobs in your face
I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
U can be a future sentaor's wife if you want. I'm happy with "closet lesbian", "tech prof".and "masters degree" all rolled into one. Drunken bar escapades pay off.
Good god you suck at this wake up call. Seriously. If I can, after consuming enough vodka to subdue a russian soldier, muster up enough motivation to call you in the morning and send you naked pictures the least you could do is pick up.
Let's play another riveting game of "Whose boxers are hanging on my fence?"
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
My ultimate hope is that people will hug me, smell me, and therefore think I'm classy.
Randomize
