so I just used the H1N1 mask my mom gave me for college to hold in a bong hit longer... god I love orientation week
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.
Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck
I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
My heart stopped for a sec, but I snorted what I believe was cocaine off the floor, and I'm back in the fight
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
Juice tastes so weird without alcohol
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
