You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar
hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?
Yup.
I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.
I walked out of the store holding my face and a lady pulled her daughter away from me as I then threwup in the parking lot
Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me
The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I'm committing myself to dance. Also, I'm unsure if you said space party sounded lame because dude was old, but I hope you're over it because I love space, and I love David Bowie and I love to dance, and you need to embrace this with me.
he told me his feelings for me AFTER sex, so that means he meant it right?
You’ll lick BBQ off my cock but no ketchup on a hotdog?
Randomize
