$35 all you can drink last night. Friend 1 woke up in a hotel lounge, friend 2 pissed himself and woke up wearing friend 1's spare pants, and my toilet indicates I threw up extensively.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"
I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
I need to throw up and die. The order doesn't matter. I feel like shit
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'll be there with bells on. And by "bells" I mean "jäger bombs". And by "on" I mean "being poured down my gullet".
Amazon.com "suggested" I buy both nipple clamps and opera gloves.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
We were in the uber and you were crying because you wanted to be an Olympic gymnast. The driver tried to console you and you just cried harder
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
Randomize
