listen. just hotwire a car, take off the license plate, make up a new one on a sheet of paper and go the speed limit. i do it like, at least 3x a week.
so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back
The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?
I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.
Based on the fact my iPad is covered in pizza, I'm going to assume I ate pizza last night
I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.
We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
My cast smells like cheese steak rolls
He wrote on the bartenders notepad "phone?" So I wrote back "911"
I HAD TO TAKE A SHOT OF JAGER AND SOME REDBULL JUST TO SEE IF IT’LL MAKE MY MOUTH FEEL BETTER
Dude I'm fucking tired of freshman, there are god damn teeth marks on my dick again
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