I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
I just saw some girl with the liscense plate "OBVIII"...I never wanted to get in a car accident so badly.
I'm so ready for finals. She finally agreed to skypesex me from spain so now i'm up until 4am studying every morning waiting for her to get online
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
You woke me up at 2 am to tell me I could pee in a golf club if I wanted to.
I found a body half wedged into my bedroom wall this morning. How do I explain THIS to the carpenters?
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
My bar tender texts me around 5ish and ask what I feel like, so it's ready for me when I get home. All star service.
Dude. You are the LAST person that should live above a bar.
I taught a straight girl about grindr today. She showed me tinder. It was like some sexual cultural exchange program
Of course he's seen my tits, I wave those things around like a trump supporter does an American flag
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Good morning beautiful! Wanna steal a cat this weekend?
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