He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex
How do you have pretend sex?
It was bad...so it was pretend
it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store
It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.
Status Uddate: I lost half a tooth and Alison is taking Amy Grant requests via bullhorn
Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.
and somewhere between crying in her arms and throwing up in her front yard, we became friends.
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
That moment when you see yourself in a security camera feed and realize you forgot a bra. And pants.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I told the cops they couldn't arrest me until they found my shoe. Now I have the grant county cops looking for my heels by the rail road tracks.
Randomize
