You did that once after drunk driving from a photo shoot
That was very cool/italian of you
Which brings me to my next point, how come italians are so well adapted to drunk driving
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date
What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"
We started a mustache riot at white castle at 4 in the morning. Will explain in detail.
My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
There is a mobile STD testing unit set up at my place of employment. In the lunchroom. I may need to reevaluate my career choices. And my lunch plans.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
I just messaged a senior at Harvard and told him to 'tinder me softly'
I've learned life lessons in Vegas. Mostly, drugs are cheaper than alcohol.
Did I hit my head yesterday? I have a bump on the back of it. Also I just want you to know that I don't blame you for me taking my bikini top off. If I want to be shirtless no man or woman on this earth can stop me.
saw a dude wearin soccer cleats at the bar tonight. fuckin kiddin me man?
A condom just fell out of me. Happy Tuesday.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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